After a truly epic Cowboy snort-off, Cassidy and Sundance find themselves in 2010. Unperturbed at travelling back in time 60 some odd years, the Professional Assholes start phoning up whoever they know to get more cowboy, only to discover a secret so horrifying, that the minds of mere mortals would be wracked with insanity, driving grown men to desperation and suicide. Cthulhu himself (itself?) awakening from his sleep in R’lyeh would not have such an effect.
Cowboy hasn’t been invented yet.
After a brief period of sobbing and some bro-hugs, Cassidy hits the streets to find out how to get some money, because clearly these two have their work cut out for them. 2010 is about to get awesome. They find someone who seems to know a bit about some guns or something, so Sundance decides he’s going to introduce the poor guy to the ceiling. Repeatedly. Information and ears spilled, the pair trek off and pick up some necessary equipment that was left in 2070. Namely, their brass knuckles: CONFORM and OBEY.
Then they gear up for war. Cassidy writes “Grenade” on the side of a couple soup cans, and Sundance loads them up with more gel rounds than any reasonable person has need for. Fortunately, “reasonable” is not a word that would ever be used to describe these two.
Drugged up and itching to be assholes, Sundance has the brilliant idea of making business cards.
There was something involving a dick in a white suit who’s going to get sniped in the face by Sundance, P.A. but neither remember too well because the drugs were really getting out of hand at that point. They set off to the docks, because that’s where shady deals go down.
Using the information gained earlier by the Bellevue Community College method of interrogation, they locate the pier and the equipment they want to steal. Sundance sets up the M40A1 of Splattering on a rooftop across the street, and Cass-man circles around with his G3A3 of Doesn’t Hit Anything and a duffel bag full of stun grenades. Both lock and load their gel rounds, because real ammo is for losers.
Waiting until both are in position, they coordinate their opening salvo: Sundance Violently Pokes someone in a good sniping position with enough force to leave him silently wishing for death and down for the count. Cassidy sends a Smashing Blow into the arm of the crane, and the whole thing comes crashing down on someone unfortunate enough to be near. Cassidy suppresses the entire area with his mighty G3A3 after fiddling with the “auto” switch a bit, and everyone dives for cover. Except there ain’t any. Sundance lets the M40 speak for itself, and puts several people down in a way that would be really disgusting if it were using anything but gel rounds.
Cassidy keeps yelling at them to throw down their weapons because they’re just not awesome enough for this, but only one of the enemies has the presence of mind to do so. Don’t say we didn’t warn them. Sundance puts down two more guys because that’s his business and business is good.
Cassidy runs to get an angle on the last guy that’s hiding from Sundance, but gets interrupted by… the guy he dropped a giant cargo crate on. MOTHER. FUCKER.
A real runner would have pointed the gun at the guy who just tried to kill him, but Cassidy decides to fuck with him a bit. He pulls out his soup-can-with-GRENADE-written-on-the-side, yells “Fire in the Hole!” and throws it at the guy because it’s not like he’s going anywhere. The dude freaks out because he thinks a grenade just landed next to him, and Cassidy gets close. The guy is going to live the rest of his life with “OBEY” stamped on his forehead.
Sundance lets loose with the rifle, and the last guy drops.
There’s a little office nearby, so Sundance and Cassidy blast off an entire side of the building and do the Double Dragon pose for an empty room, but it’s cool anyway. Several smashing blows later, they hear some movement in a room nearby. Don’t give a shit, open the door, chuck some greandes, and close the door again. Poor guy was still awake, so he’s going to have to explain “CONFORM” and “OBEY” stamped on his face to the wife when he wakes up.
Cops coming, Cassidy and Sundance decide to leave the crates, but grab a shotgun and a phone, then hijack one of the 18 wheelers because they don’t have a vehicle, and trucks are awesome.
They call some numbers in the phone and decide to say that they stole the cargo anyway, because that seems like a stupid idea THAT JUST MIGHT WORK, and offer to sell it back to the guy at the other end of the line. He goes for it. A meet is set for the next night. They dump the phone because seriously, fuck that guy.
Cassidy and Sundance are recovering from their Oxycontin, and decide to set up in preparation of the meet. They park the truck in a field where Sundance can stand watch with the Sniper Rifle of Merciless Gelling.
The meet goes down, but not at the same location because you can’t pass up a chance to fuck with someone, and four cars decide to peel off and go away. Unfortunately, Sundance knows how to use Smashing Blow, and lets them know.
Three cars later, they decide to play by our rules, which they should have done earlier, but let’s not get into that. Two guys walk the 1000 feet of open field, covered by Sundance and his M40, to meet Cassidy. After verifying that the money is real, and knowing that as soon as Cassidy opens the truck these two are going realize that they just got screwed over, Cassidy decides to take off his jacket. The one rigged to three stun grenades.
IT’S GO TIME
Current kill count: 0